First website musings - 21/3/25

This is a recording of my language, not said out loud but thought in my brain, a concept generated from my wet mushy cords and flow of energy through sticky goopy fluids and harder chewy parts, its like mixing food and getting it all soaked in sauce. I am learning something new. Slow down, stop making mistakes, and you will learn in the same time, faster even, with repetition of the correct way. Do it the right way, first, well doesnt that just sound so easy! ISNT THAT EASY FOR YOU TO SAY?!

I wrote that last bit once in the comments of the Facebook status of a skinny blonde girl in my year 6 class. She was one of a trio of beautiful aryan children that succeeded in cutthroat student politics, were high performance netball players and popular, fun, girls. This, the tallest and prettiest one, dares lament the hardships of self love and acceptance at 12 years old. She thinks its hard to be herself! She thinks shes flawed! She feels bad sometimes! Be grateful, shut up, some of us have real problems (victim complex).

I just assumed that these three were best friends. Im sure their mums wanted them to be. I dont know anything about any of them, really, never had one conversation that I can recall. And I think thats something I would recall. It was an anomaly to have a pleasant conversation with anyone who I didnt view as sitting beside or below me on the ladder of social cool-ness, so whenever that happened I would be outrageously surprised and get analytical and reflective. And think to myself, wow, that was normal! They reacted positively to me! Remember that and do it again!

I still take notes and write things down like it will make me remember them. How many hundreds of words and buckets of ink used in optimistic pretending that this works. I NEVER LEARN. I ONLY KNOW, IN THE TIME WHEN THE PAIN OF A BLOW STILL RINGS IN MY EARS AND I HAVENT LOOKED AWAY YET FROM THE SCENES BEHIND MY EYES, FIRING DOWN MUSCLE CHAINS TO SQUEEZE SOME PART OF ME, VIOLENTLY-

No but seriously it took seven long years for the prophecy to come true. If my frontal lobe is considered developed now I am grateful both for the inevitable march of growth forced and facilitated by existence, AND the fact that I DEVELOPED it into what it is with intention, care, strategy, intellect, even EMOTIONAL intellect. Utilised those skills. Tried hard and came back to the thought, again and again.

For context here I am thinking about the recent breaking of a habit I was so addicted to. Seven long years I repeated a behaviour despite my best effects and to my own detriment. I was fully aware of the consequences of my actions, the reasons why ceasing the action is the only correct , desirable choice, and the repeated experience of doing the action, over and over, by conscious choice, over and over, in full awareness. Mindfuck, dude. The human mind trying desperately to understand, following itself round a tree king hitting the bastard just in front of itself, the snake eating its own tail and still feels starving, chomping on.

But great progress was made! One achievement flooded with me satisfaction, security, self love. I must rejoice, and turn my attention finally to something good. And to other flaws of behaviour, of course, but it turns out its even a relief to look at ugly parts of myself with the ringing of fresh success warming my heart and eyes and informing compassion. Forgiveness and respect. Faith in change.

I put a lot of weight on intention as a predictor for change. Its a tremendous solace just to know that you want to be the best version of yourself, that you have inherent drive, that you keep coming back to the thought. May desire carry me like the wind to far away lands! Amen