FRIDAY 28/03/2025
mmmm beautiful twilight comfort, rolling in soft sheets, brilliant silver sun beams through fine lace, wind gusts waves of cool, shelby comes and goes, I dont have to get up but I want to, in a minute, to be with myself, to eat and drink, to bury my toes in the sand, to make gifts. WOW-
Retrospective on Regulating - 27/03/2025
Hello avid readers,
I would like to offer a resolution to the anxiety I put out into the world in my last post because it turns out my shift went completely fine! Good even! Better than many!
I was in the most walkey area of all areas in the department but my wound stopped hurting after a couple hours so, thank you to my body for that. Distraction probably helped a lot, in contrast to sitting on my bed and feeling sorry for myself.
I was also in a nice little team. I shared some laughs with a coworker who comes across a bit shy. Its so nice to recognize shyness in others and notice when I give them some impression to open up and we connect a bit. Makes me feel normal! And I enjoyed talking to my patients. They were all quite nice. I had some poor experiences recently with patients putting me down or not vibing with me so this was a pleasant reminder that either could happen and you just cant vibe with everyone.
I also had a funny realization about the benefit of wearing my mask. We had multiple rhinovirus+ patients at the start of shift so the n95 went on. I realized- whoah I am relieved that I dont have to put a happy face on. Sometimes I get asked if Im okay at work because I guess I look grumpy so I make a conscious effort to be more smiley and chatty. This becomes particularly hard when Im not feeling perfect but... I will reach more often for the mask. I think I will coin this term "masking" and tell all the socially-challenged folks about it, theyll be amazed!
I slept great today and have one more night before the weekend, wahoo! Looking forward to it! Talk to yall later.
Regulating - 26/03/2025
Hello anybody! I am feeling a bit upset and negative right now so I thought I would write it out and see if it helped to make me feel a little better. I often do this in my paper journal but I have been so enjoying using my ~devices~ recently that here we are. Feels new and exciting!
SO! what has happened today?
Firstly, I had an appointment this morning to have a cyst excised from my groin area. Gross, I know, but really this is a great thing. This little lesion has been incredibly annoying over the last 10-12 years. ESPECIALLY the past year since I got my bicycle and have been climbing in a harness more. It was getting inflamed and bursting open every few weeks- very painful. I finally got around to having it removed.
They injected local anesthetic around it, which felt exactly like you can imagine it would when they dig the needle around and reinsert multiple times. That stuff works wonders though, I didnt feel any pain for the actual excision and stitching. I now have 4 stitches in there. The local stayed local-ing for like 2 hours and now has definitely worn off. It hurts! Waaa!
I have a 10 hour night shift tonight (by choice????) and will most likely be walking around for most of it. I am not so much worried for the pain but I can feel the discomfort making me think negatively and that is what ruins shifts for me. If I am tired, in a bad mood or whatever, I really struggle to be good at my job. I am already an introvert in the least introverted profession I could have possibly chosen. Its already hard for me to be a good communicator, think critically, and be always reflecting and learning all at once. Team work is hard. Socializing with my coworkers is hard. Communicating and building rapport with patients is hard.
So, what is the positive? I am grateful to be rid of the evil cyst. I am LUCKY to have healthcare. I am blessed to be able to afford and access it. I do love my job, even though its hard. I am always trying my best, even if some days are harder than others. Tonight, I will focus on how I am alleviating the pain of others. I will reserve my energy and find somewhere quiet and comfy on my breaks. I wont feel bad if I dont do anything productive during them. Sometimes its okay to doomscroll. I will do whatever is comfy. And I know that my bed is waiting for me in the morning, and with a clean sheet to boot!
I also feel guilty that I wont take Shelbus for a long walk today. I should have had the forethought to take her out before the appointment but I wanted a sleep in. However, I can just drive her right to the little beach and let her loose to zoomie while I walk minimally, thats still good enough. She will be happy.
I am also kinda broke this week. My car insurance and rego was due. I am making not really that much and paying just a little too much rent so weeks when I can get savings put away are pretty rare. Of course everything is fine, I am stable and well off and have everything I need and even if I didnt then I know I have security in family. I could be taking action to be making more money or spending less, I just dont really care that much. I am not out to be wealthy, I just want to live and be happy. Until things are a bit tight on certain weeks, then of course it causes anxiety. Perhaps I will try to use this to motivate me to do those aforementioned things, but probably not. What privilege!!
Finally, my macbook might be broken. I might have to take it to get fixed. I am currently writing this on my old dell. This is something I simply cannot seriously be upset about! That thing was GIVEN to me for FREE. I have FOUR DEVICES. THATS TOO MANY. HOW CAN I BE FRUSTRATED THAT I HAD TO GET UP AND GET MY OTHER FUNCTIONAL COMPUTER DOWN FROM THE CUPBOARD.
Maybe this can be translated to the love and appreciation I feel for the macbook. It is so extremely cool. Its tiny and light and fancy. I feel like such a young professional using it. Opening the dell made me appreciate things about it, too; big ass screen. Keyboard I am more accustomed to using. The fact that it still works at all, although it has several issues.
ANYWAY! Sometimes it is hard to logic away bad feelings. Sometimes we have to keeping trotting on with them happening. I hope I can use this negative energy for something productive, like write a list of ways to avoid this stuff in the future. For now, I am going to eat a little bit of ice cream and work on my epic digital media project that I have been cooking up. I will lie back on my cloud-like bed and be serenaded by the endless entertainments that my devices and toys have to offer me. And so on and so forth. Riches and luxuries and health and wealth and peace well up all around me, I am swept away in them.
As an afterthought (typical), here is a quick list of great things that have happened to me recently.
- My top surgery consult is going ahead. I was put off by the conflict of a having a shift that day, but it ended up being easily swapped out and I am all good to go. The right person walked past at the right time. It is meant to be.
- I rode my bike all the way home from work the other day. I stopped for hot chippies, ate them out of the snack basket whilst riding along, stopped at the beach, dipped in my underwear, conveniently had a nice set of comfies to change back into, then continued home. 13ish kilometers, which felt breezy. When I first got the bike I struggled with 3-5! My body is a precious incredible thing.
- I went to a party the other day where I didnt know many people. I chatted and talked just for the sake of it. I also saw someone that I had a conflict with many months ago and apologized to them and they did too and all is well. Also I played a pan drum which is SO COOL and tbh I thought I made a pleasant sound. Hooray! I am brave and outgoing!
- I ate a persimmon for the first time ever today and it was delicious. Not sure if I was supposed to eat the skin because it was a bit tough but I did anyway. Splendid!
Bye thanks for reading!
21/3/25
This is a recording of my language, not said out loud but thought in my brain, a concept generated from my wet mushy cords and flow of energy through sticky goopy fluids and harder chewy parts, its like mixing food and getting it all soaked in sauce. I am learning something new. Slow down, stop making mistakes, and you will learn in the same time, faster even, with repetition of the correct way. Do it the right way, first, well doesnt that just sound so easy! ISNT THAT EASY FOR YOU TO SAY?!
I wrote that last bit once in the comments of the Facebook status of a skinny blonde girl in my year 6 class. She was one of a trio of beautiful aryan children that succeeded in cutthroat student politics, were high performance netball players and popular, fun, girls. This, the tallest and prettiest one, dares lament the hardships of self love and acceptance at 12 years old. She thinks its hard to be herself! She thinks shes flawed! She feels bad sometimes! Be grateful, shut up, some of us have real problems (victim complex).
I just assumed that these three were best friends. Im sure their mums wanted them to be. I dont know anything about any of them, really, never had one conversation that I can recall. And I think thats something I would recall. It was an anomaly to have a pleasant conversation with anyone who I didnt view as sitting beside or below me on the ladder of social cool-ness, so whenever that happened I would be outrageously surprised and get analytical and reflective. And think to myself, wow, that was normal! They reacted positively to me! Remember that and do it again!
I still take notes and write things down like it will make me remember them. How many hundreds of words and buckets of ink used in optimistic pretending that this works. I NEVER LEARN. I ONLY KNOW, IN THE TIME WHEN THE PAIN OF A BLOW STILL RINGS IN MY EARS AND I HAVENT LOOKED AWAY YET FROM THE SCENES BEHIND MY EYES, FIRING DOWN MUSCLE CHAINS TO SQUEEZE SOME PART OF ME, VIOLENTLY-
No but seriously it took seven long years for the prophecy to come true. If my frontal lobe is considered developed now I am grateful both for the inevitable march of growth forced and facilitated by existence, AND the fact that I DEVELOPED it into what it is with intention, care, strategy, intellect, even EMOTIONAL intellect. Utilised those skills. Tried hard and came back to the thought, again and again.
For context here I am thinking about the recent breaking of a habit I was so addicted to. Seven long years I repeated a behaviour despite my best effects and to my own detriment. I was fully aware of the consequences of my actions, the reasons why ceasing the action is the only correct , desirable choice, and the repeated experience of doing the action, over and over, by conscious choice, over and over, in full awareness. Mindfuck, dude. The human mind trying desperately to understand, following itself round a tree king hitting the bastard just in front of itself, the snake eating its own tail and still feels starving, chomping on.
But great progress was made! One achievement flooded with me satisfaction, security, self love. I must rejoice, and turn my attention finally to something good. And to other flaws of behaviour, of course, but it turns out its even a relief to look at ugly parts of myself with the ringing of fresh success warming my heart and eyes and informing compassion. Forgiveness and respect. Faith in change.
I put a lot of weight on intention as a predictor for change. Its a tremendous solace just to know that you want to be the best version of yourself, that you have inherent drive, that you keep coming back to the thought. May desire carry me like the wind to far away lands! Amen